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Norman COY at full chat
An occasional literary foray.....
Many of you will be familiar with Marion's writings about Norman's car related experiences. The last of these was VANTASTIC - a tale of a Ford P100 pickup - this was serialised in the magazine. Click here for the whole of the series!
Sat through something on TV recently, mainly because I couldn't be bothered to get up and find the remote to turn it off, where some expert in an Anorak was telling us all to be more environmentaly aware and to protect the ozone layer etc. etc. This was accompanied by another long haired expert who seemed able to blame that long suffering herd of scapegoats known as motortist's(that is you and me) for everything from piles to the Pakistan earthquakes and where these two geniuses seemed to be in agreement was in that the government was not doing enough to support both their causes and that more legislation was needed against the offenders (us).
This should take the form of more traffic calming measures, stricter emission controls,more speed cameras and on and on you've heard it all before so to get to the point of all this, if you're not asleep or gone looking for a more interesting site, it brought to mind a road I travel on a regular basis and I thought you might find my observations interesting.
The road in question is over two miles in length and climbs a fairly steep hill,travelling west before some smart-alec points out that it only climbs in one direction, it has recently grown a healthy crop of speed cameras and now everybody sticks to the speed limit and what's the problem them you may ask and here's the point.
Before speed-cameras I,and everybody else, went up this hill slightly over the limit (around 33-35) in my case because my car seemed happier at that speed in a high gear. In fact every car I have driven up this road be it modern or classic performs the same. Now when I use this road in my modern car I find that I have a difference of 500 RPM between the higher and next lower gear and as this hill is over two miles long this means that it will take two minutes to cover at the legal speed. This means an extra 1000 revolutions or 2000 firing strokes thus emitting more so-called greenhouse gases than if I exceeded the limit by a mere 2-3 mph. As I am travelling uphill should I need to stop in a hurry I have the added bonus of gravity to reduce my speed so it seems to me that an increase in the limit going up the hill would not affect road safety but would help save the enviroment.
Just as a matter of interest there are no cameras going down the hill but of course these cameras are there for safety and not as a way of screwing more money out of us taxpayers. Think about it!
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BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU
(aka THE COMPUTERISED MOT TEST)
I had my first run-in with the new all singing and dancing computerised MOT test recently and crawled in prepared to sacrifice the wife's car on the altar of technology ,well I wasn't going to risk the unknown with anything important.
First thing enter registration number and VIN number. This is so big brother can decide whether your car actually exists and it doesn't rush either so you stand there with your rear going half-crown six-pence whilst the thing decides whether to continue with the test or have the thought police come round and give you a kicking. Having passed the first hurdle we can now put the car on the ramp and start the test proper so to speak. OK so the computer doesn't follow the tester under the ramp and so relies on what the tester tells it but it sits in the office and glares at him daring him to pass your car. And I'm sure it pinched his bacon sandwich but it doesn't know how much play is in your balljoints (does your wife know? Would she care?). It never sees the corrosion in your sills so the decision is still with your friendly (or is it fiendly) tester. What it does do though is decide how long the test should take - in my case the man asked what time is it?
And on being told said "we might as well go and have a smoke as that ******** thing in there won't talk to me yet".
During said smoke he was telling me that the computer will not recognise inner sills or out-riggers in computer speak - it is inner body or body frame - and it doesn't know rust - it is sharp edge caused by corrosion. This I am reliably informed is because the program was written by an a*****le with as much idea of what is under a motor car as he has about how the space shuttle works.
So there you have it! No need to fear the new test, big brother is on your side!
It's only to prevent dodgy certificates and to get dangerous cars off the road
It's not a money making scheme (so why as it gone up to £40 and why are there no free retests? Remember this lot stopped historic car tax....
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Watch it - this one's written in Browad Yorkshire (which has to be in capitals, by the way) If you're from south of Sheffield or north of Harrogate you might have trouble with this...
AVE BIN ASKED IF I CUD HAPPEN WRITE A BIT A SUMMAT FER CLUB WEBSITE. NAH LAD AS ASKED FANCIES I'SELF AS A BIT OF A WIT AN APPEN H'IS HALF REET AT THAT SO I THOWT I'D GO ALONG WI' IT LIKE AND SEE WERE IT WENT SO HAH SEEZS WEBSITE LAD IS THA' SURE SPIDERS ULL READ IT? COS I'M THINKING ON A PLACE AS ‘ASENT SEEN A DUSTER FUR A BIT AN ‘E' SEEZS NOT FUR SPIDERS IT'S FUR T'INTERNET AN I SEEZS OH REET LAD A'M WITH THEE NAW ( WANTING TO MEK ART I KNEW WHAT ‘E'WERE ON ABART WHEN FACT IS I'VE NIVER EARD ON IT) AN AS A'M ALAS WILLING TO ‘AVE A GO AT OWT A THOWT WHY NOT THE' MIGHT BE A BIT O' BRASS IN IT ALTHOUGH NUBDIES SAID OWT SO AH THOWT AD KICK OFF WI CLUB DO IT PARK I' DEWSBURY LAST DECEMBER WHEN THEY AVE A GROTTO FUR T'KIDS AN FATHER CHRISTMAS TUNS UP I' WUN O' CARS
IT ALL STARTED OFF WHEN MISSUS I'T PARK ASKED NORMAN ON'T COMMITTEE IF HE CUD ‘APPEN AS FIN'D SUMBODY AS WOULD ‘ELP ‘EM ART AN FETCH FATHER CHRISTMAS FROM T'CLUB I' WEST-TARN ROUND TO PARK I' SUMMAT A BIT MORE STRIKING THAN YER COMMON EURO-BOX AN NORMAN ‘E GETS JOHN PADGETT TO OBLIGE WI' IS ROLLS ROYCE AN CLUB BUILDS UP A LITTLE EVENT FROM THERE AN IT'S TUNED ART TO BE A REET GOOD DO ALL REET IT'S BRASS MONKEY WEATHER BUT THA' EXPECTS THAT I' DECEMBER AN IT WERE GREAT TO SEE ALL T'KIDS CHEERING WHEN FATHER CHRISTMAS TUNS UP. THIS YEAR JOHN ‘ANCOCK DID T'ONOURS WI ‘IS CADILLAC AN IT CAUSED A BIT O CONFUSION COS FATHER CHRISTMAS WERE SAT I FRONT AN SO WHEN COME'S TO GET ART E'S ON‘T WRONG SIDE SEEING AS'T HOW CADILLAC IS A LEFT-HAND DRIVE SO DAFT SOD'S IN'T MIDDLE AT ROHAD INSTEAD AVE BEENING ON'T STEPS AN IT'S A FAIR WALK ROUND YON CADILLAC. STILL IT ALL WENT OFF AWLREET DAVID HILLIAM WON T'SHEILD FOR CAR O SHOW AN CHARLY JONES GOT RUNNER UP RIBBON 22 CARS TUNED UP AN ALL ‘AD A REET GOOD DAY ART. NAH I THINK THIS'L AVE TO DO FUR NAH A'LL PASS IT ON TO WEBMASTER FELLA AN SEE WHAT ‘ E MEKS ON IT AN IF ‘E CAN ‘APPEN GET IT ON TO THIS EAR TINTERNET AN IF IT WORKS A'LL GET THINKING CAP ON AN SEE IF I COULD ‘APPEN WRITE SUMMAT ELSE LATER ON |
